Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name