As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out