Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning