[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
You Might Also Like
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Flowers bee like
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
reviewed some movies recently
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.