My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
choose your fighter
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.