Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Ok who’s got my black socks?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.