Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
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I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.