“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
wish me luck lads
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((