[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.