My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
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Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Okay me first
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.