I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.