A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
philosophical skeletons be like
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.