Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
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Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Bed should get ready for ME
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice