Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
pizza
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
emergency phone
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.