What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.