Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.