just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
This is the best one I’ve seen
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Anime is real
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich