Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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a badder mouse
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”