National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
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[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?