This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Tremendous stuff
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.