Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds