Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
scares
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.