I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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I love the honesty
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
This is my brand.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.