Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.