Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
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If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
accurate
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
The photographer’s assistant
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday