They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.