Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
sleeping beauty