God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors