Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.