People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.