Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.