My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
do u think theres a butter planet?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
a public service announcement
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!