Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me