If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.