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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.