[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
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“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I see your IQ test came back negative
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*