*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.