Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Investing in beetcoin
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I have never related to anyone more.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.