“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.