*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it