My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
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Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*me flirting
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”