My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Generation gap…
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
#Caturday
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month