Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Britain be like
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice