Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Monday
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope