A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
WTF
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
2 years later
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I bet birds love this building.
kevin is now a local weatherman