do horses think humans are hats
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.