Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.