Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[montage of me giving-up]
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.