sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.