why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
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[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Fries, not lies.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.